God’s Design for Friendship in a Culture of Loneliness 

Friendship is hard! More people live alone today than ever before. And the older you get, the more difficult it becomes! (How’s that for some encouraging news?)  

And yet the reality is that loneliness is all around us: in the shows we watch, in the news, and in our workplace. And the data says that we will all experience it at some point in our lives.  

The truth is – loneliness is dangerous for our health and well-being. 

Vivek Murthy, the former United States Surgeon General, tells the story of one of his patients who won the lottery and considered it the worst thing that ever happened to him. This patient used to be a chef; he wasn’t wealthy, but he could pay his bills. He had good neighbours; he had people he worked with in the kitchen who were great friends. He had clients who really loved his food. 

Realizing he didn’t need to work anymore, he eventually quit his job and moved from his neighbourhood to a big house by the ocean. Then, he became lonely, with just him and his dog in his big house with big walls. No more co-workers and no more clients chatting with him and complimenting how good his food was. No more connection and community. 

He wasn’t even seeing people walking up and down his street anymore. It was at this point that he started to develop high blood pressure, diabetes, and mental health concerns. He chalked it up to the loneliness and isolation that came from that major shift in his life. 

Loneliness was more than a passing phase: it was manifesting itself in diseases, both physical and mental. It seems to me that there is a degree of relational poverty all around us. Yes, even in the church! We pray alone, drive to work alone, work out alone, watch TV alone, shop alone, and cry alone.  

So why is it hard to connect these days? Why do we feel as though we are in a Relationship Recession? Here are a few aspects of our current culture to consider. 

1. The average person moves once every 5 years…between the ages of 20-40 its once every 3 years. Increased mobility makes it hard to have long-term relationships because we don’t stick around! How many times have you moved? I’ve moved 6 times between the ages of 20-40.  
2. Modern conveniences, like air conditioners or garage door openers. This means we don’t linger outside; we used to talk to our neighbours. Now we go into our “bat cave” and don’t reappear. With our smartphones, we now have the ability to even screen our calls. We insulate ourselves from having to talk to people. 
3. For all the benefits of smart phones and social media, they have also brought a heightened level of social isolation as well. 

As I said at the start, friendship is hard, but it is also one of God’s greatest gifts, bringing joy and support in every season of life. So, what are some basic ground rules for friendship? What are ways we can nurture friendships and live out God’s design for meaningful connection? 

• Show up and be fully present. When you’re with your friend, be “all there” meaning fully present. Give your friend the gift of your full attention. Be that friend who says, “you can call on me anytime day or night and I’ll be there!” And as you continue to show up, you will notice the little things going on in your friend’s life and identify areas they need support and care. Someone once said that the essence of love is to notice someone. 

• Listen. Let’s be challenged to live out James 1:19: ”My dear brothers, take note of this, Everyone should be quick to listen , slow to speak and slow to become angry” 

• Ask questions of your friends. There are many things that people are carrying these days, and people’s backpacks are full. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. As you intentionally listen and observe, what is your friend really saying? Tim Saunders, author of Love is the Killer App, said, “You will accomplish more in the next 2 months developing a sincere interest in 2 people then you will ever accomplish in the next 2 years trying to get 2 people interested in you.”  

• Speak up. The reminder here is the impact of our words. We have the ability to speak words of life, truth, and hope to our friends. We oftentimes think nice things about our friends, but we don’t verbalize them. Take the time to speak up and encourage your friend. 

Hebrews 10:24-25 

”Let us spur one another on toward love and good deeds… Let us not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another” 

God wants us to have life-giving relationships with others, as well as a personal, intimate relationship with Him. We’ve talked about our relationships with others, but what about our friendship with God? How can we nurture a friendship with the Creator of the universe?  

1. Surround yourself with people who follow Jesus. If we want to become more like Christ, we won’t get there alone. Spending time with people can help us navigate our doubts, figure out our questions, and remind us who God is when life gets hard. It’s amazing how God use’s people to impact our faith in Him 
2. Get to know the Bible! The Bible is an essential tool for living life as a Christ follower. Take some time each day to read even a few verses. A great resource that I use is the YouVersion Bible App. 
3. Listen to the Holy Spirit: a tremendous gift God has given you. He often comes as a quiet voice, reminding you of your new purpose, and He will reveal truths to you as you seek to know Christ. He will speak to you through God’s word, as you pray, and through other people who are also growing in their relationship with God. 
4. Prayer. Simply put, prayer is talking to God. You are in a relationship with the creator of the universe. For any relationship to grow, you must have communication and trust, which requires spending time together. 

God desires that our relationships flourish. Whether it be friendship with God or with our neighbour, it can be complicated, yet it is one of God’s greatest gifts! And it is a gift worth investing in. 

While friendship is essential for our health and happiness, most of us have never really been shown how to build or deepen them. Here at FAC, we’d like to address this gap with the Friendship Lab Course this fall. 

Over 6 weeks, the course takes participants through the unspoken rules of friendship. Through practical tools, we’ll learn how to meet like-minded people, grow closer to current friends, and navigate misunderstandings with grace. Learn more and register for this free course! We hope to see you there.