Finding Faith Beyond Performance
Written by Zach Hoffman, Deerfoot Campus member
I grew up hearing from the pulpit, “You’re a dirty rotten sinner, but God still loves you,” and several other sermons focused on our sinful nature. Hearing these statements constantly made it easy to forget how God saw me. I believed I was honouring God by focusing on my unworthiness, rather than seeing myself in His eyes as beloved. I felt the only way to be “worthy” was to do more for Him.
I spent my childhood and teen years at church trying to serve as much as I could, so that I honoured God. At 14, I was handed a pair of pencils after tapping through a worship service, and told, “See what you can do with these on the drum kit.” I found my gift in playing the drums, and felt I could worship God through drumming; a new way to connect to the Father! But the problem was I thought if I just keep serving, God will love me… as though I could perform my way into Him loving me.
This false performative faith stuck with me for years. God the Father felt like a foreign concept. He felt too holy to approach. I wasn’t worthy to even untie His sandals, after all (John 1:27). I didn’t know how to sit still with Him when I wasn’t serving. So a divide kept growing between God and me.
In 2024, my wife, our 1-year-old daughter, and I moved up to Calgary. We wanted to live near my wife’s family, but God had never made it work until that summer. However, the circumstances that led to our move were extremely painful. In the span of 2 months, I was laid off from my dream job, our home had a $70k special assessment, wiping out all our equity, and we saw our friend group and church family fall apart due to some messy and painful church drama, all while being a new dad. God took my home, my job, my friends, and my church away all in that short time. It felt like my life was being pruned down to the ground.
Arriving in Calgary, I was a broken man. The pain I was carrying from my past felt too much, and I feared I couldn’t face it. My faith felt tested beyond my limits, and I lost hope.
I was drumming at another church in North Calgary, once again trying to "serve my way" into healing instead of coming bare before God. After a while, it finally crushed me. I felt that no matter what decisions I made, they'd be the wrong ones. I was supposed to lead my family, but all I could feel was shame as I led them to a painful move. I felt like a disappointment to God since my faith was so weak.
Something had to change.
My wife was involved in a mom's group at FAC, and we decided to take a chance and try a new church. Driving 45 minutes from our home, we showed up on our first Sunday at FAC Deerfoot, and I broke down. I heard the Lord say, “This is where I want you to be.” I wanted to join a worship team and continue serving, but I wanted to do it with the right heart-posture this time. I felt a stirring from God. I took a hard look in the mirror and said, “No more.” No more hiding from God, or turning to things to numb my pain. FAC’s vision is “Joining Jesus in the renewal of all things.” I didn’t know walking through these doors would mean renewing myself. I found a safe place to heal.
With help, I reconstructed my faith and saw God for who He is. I learned to rid myself of fear, shame, and self-loathing. I started to love who I am for the first time. I learned God doesn’t want you to punish yourself; God’s perfect love casts out fear, and fear involves punishment (1 John 4:18). But He gave us a spirit of power, love, and sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).
I’m reminded of Genesis 3; when we sin, God is the first one to reach out. When we shame ourselves, remember what God said to Adam – who told you were naked? Basically, who told you to feel shame? His question was out of love for us. God wants us to come out of our hiding, come to Him, and release the guilt from our past.
I want to leave you with this. God wants us to boldly approach Him on His throne of grace and mercy (Hebrews 4:16). Think about that for a second. The Greek word used in this translates as “all speech.” Unreserved openness and fearless freedom. To boldly approach the throne: to know God doesn’t want you to feel shame, fear, or guilt when you come to Him. Yes, we still need to repent and turn away from our sin. That's part of healing, after all. But know you are loved and invited to approach Him unfiltered. (No drumsticks required!)
I discovered freedom in Christ and experienced the Father’s love by surrendering my old ways and addressing the hurt in my heart. I’ve started to see myself as an image bearer of Christ instead of a dirty, rotten sinner. I am an adopted son deeply loved and sought after by Him.
No matter how poorly you treated yourself in the past or what you’ve done, He’s still calling out to you. What could this look like in your own life? Will you boldly approach Him on His throne and say, “Here I am, Lord”?
Zach Hoffman drums on a worship team at FAC Deerfoot and attends Sunday mornings with his family. Wherever you are in your journey with Jesus, you don’t have to walk it alone. Find the support you need to heal or explore ways to grow in your relationship with Jesus through the Discipleship Pathway at FAC.
What's your story? If you'd like to share what God has been doing in your life lately, we'd love to hear from you.
