Journeying with God through Grief

Written by Phil & Helga Bauer, members of the Deerfoot Campus 

1992 was and continues to be a very significant year for our family. It was the year we relocated to Calgary from Edmonton. (For all you Edmontonians reading this blog, please know we loved the 10 years we lived in Edmonton.) 3 of our 4 children were born there, many close friends were developed, and we had the opportunity to be part of a church plant. We bought our first home in Edmonton, saw the northern lights for the first time and experienced ‘ice fog’.

But we are now Flames and Stampeder fans and enjoy the mountain views daily. Calgary has become our adopted home, except for our youngest son, Greg, who was born just one month after we arrived in Calgary. Of our 4 children, Greg was the only purebred, legitimate Calgarian. His older siblings have the distinction of being Albertans, and my wife Helga and I are Ontarians!

Our story as a married couple began in 1982, in Kitchener/Waterloo, Ontario. We both grew up in Christian homes where church was central to our weekly and almost daily lives. We both came to know Christ personally as young children and were baptized later during our growing-up years. A work transfer brought us to Alberta a few months after we were married, and we have never looked back. We do, however, reflect on how our lives would be different if we had raised our family in our birthplace.

I think the biggest difference would have been less of a reliance on friends and more on family. Living in Alberta, we did not have the immediate support of parents, siblings, and other relatives. Our local church and neighborhood were our family. Many very close relationships have been forged over the years. At times, we envy those who are surrounded by extended family, but would we still have made so many new friends if we had not been transplanted? How would our trust in God have developed?

When we moved to Calgary from Edmonton, all our 3 children were ages 6 and under with number 4 on the way. We had three specific requests for God. What home and neighbourhood would we live in? What church would we attend, and what school system would we enroll our children in? As specific as our requests, so were God’s answers. We have seen the blessings of God's direction repeatedly over the years.

We were led to our current home of almost 34 years. We were led to attend First Alliance Church, and it’s still our church home. And the public school system our kids were enrolled in produced several fruitful relationships we enjoy to this day. There were other neighbourhoods, other churches and other schools, but God knew what His plan for us was.

God promises us that His ways are not our ways, His thoughts are not our thoughts but that his plans for us are perfect. I believe a big part of his plan was to place us where we could not only experience the benefits of community but also participate in extending it to others.

Without a doubt, my wife Helga has the gift of hospitality, especially if it involves a party! Putting down roots in one neighbourhood and one church for so long has provided numerous opportunities for her to open our home and extend hospitality to long-term friends and newcomers as well. There is always room for one more. I, on the other hand, gravitate more to solitude, but that has led me to enjoy behind-the-scenes serving, leading small groups and being an encouragement to individuals and smaller gatherings. I think we make a good team. 

We would need to be a good team if we were to navigate through some very challenging days that God would lead us through.

We celebrated Christmas 2013 as a family, and then three of us headed to Edmonton on Boxing Day to celebrate with our only blood relatives in Alberta, Helga’s brother and his family. Except for our middle son Tom, the other kids all had commitments and other plans. Little did we know when we returned our family would never be the same again. Sometime during the early morning hours of December 27, 2013, our youngest son Greg would experience a fatal heart event and pass into eternity alone in our home, the only home he ever knew. He was only 21 years old.

1992 was indeed a significant year. Our move to Calgary placed us right where we needed to be to receive the comfort that support God knew we would need in 2013. 1992 was the birth year of our precious son. Greg is greatly missed and fondly remembered for his love of life and his love of people.

“Praise be to the … Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

Our family experienced an outpouring of care and support from our neighbourhood, friends and faith community. I still periodically re-read the cards of condolence and sympathy we received. I thank God for each person behind the words of comfort, hope and love. We received pastoral support, appropriate fellowship and of course lots of food. I didn’t even have to shovel my driveway for the rest of the winter; it was ‘miraculously’ cleared every day. I saw how God sent people to bless us in so many ways!

Very early in our grief journey, we were introduced to Grief Support offered at the church. Little did we know that God would direct us to circle back to the pain of December 2013 and extend care and support to people who were just starting this journey. We started as helpers, moved on to facilitating and eventually, were tasked with leading the Grief Support ministry here at First Alliance Church. We’ve had the privilege of interacting with hundreds of people over the last 7 years of helping with this ministry.

Did Grief Support heal us? No, but it certainly provided us with signposts and resources to move forward. We learned that peace and pain can co-exist, that joy and happiness are not the same thing and that God never promised to isolate us from sorrow but does promise to sustain us in it. He shows up every day, somehow and some way. His mercies are indeed new every morning. Great is his faithfulness.

We’re not vocational pastors, professional presenters, grief or trauma experts, counsellors or therapists. But we are a couple who experienced the death of a loved one, the grief and complications that follow, and the indescribable peace that God offers to anyone who will trust him with their grief. We agreed with God to leverage our loss for His glory and the good of others who find themselves part of a club no one wants to join: Grief Support.

Join us at Grief Support for solid grief recovery resources, caring facilitators, lots of Kleenex and the support of others who are experiencing the same thing you are. Grief Support is offered twice per year at FAC, Spring and Fall, each season runs weekly for 11-13 weeks. We also host an annual evening called Surviving the Holidays in early December to help navigate the season.

Trust me, God keeps His promises. He will never leave you or forsake you.

Thank you, Phil and Helga, for sharing your story! Contact us if you would like to connect with Phil and Helga. 

If you’re carrying loss, you’re not alone. Join us for Grief Support this spring, starting March 2, as we walk through this season together.